Transformation of the Heart

Stories by Devotees of Sathya Sai Baba - Compiled and edited by Judy Warner

Excerpts shared for educational and spiritual purposes with reverence to the author. This is a non-profit project dedicated to selfless service.

IN  THIS  LIFETIME

Dorothy Herron

As I recall those life events that occurred before Sathya Sai Baba brought me to him, I now see a unifying thread - a harmonizing purpose of which I was unaware at the time. My story begins with memories of early years spent with a great-aunt and uncle. Having lost a daughter years before, and never having another child, they had persuaded my mother to allow me to live with them. At the time I went to live with my aunt and uncle, I was two-and-a-half; they were in their fifties “elderly” in those days-and very protective of me. Consequently, I had no childhood friends, not even from the many church gatherings I attended with them.

My one great love and constant companion at this early age was Jesus. He was very real for me. I loved him very much. For me, Jesus symbolized a sunlit garden filled with all the goodness that ever existed in one's heart.

I lived with my great Aunt and Uncle until I was 7 or 8, when my Uncle died. At that time arrangements were made for me to return home to my family. I returned to find I was the second to the eldest child; there were three younger children and another was soon to be born. Like most young children I made a quick adjustment; but in the process of becoming united with this large family, I lost my deep connection with Jesus. Many times, from age 7 to 12, I went to church, but the close relationship I had felt, when I was small and alone, and had relied solely on Jesus, was never to be the same again.

I stayed with my family until my marriage at age 18. Right away I had two children-and I would spend the next twelve years as a housewife and mother. All this time I was an atheist, but I was always looking for truth.

In my adult years, the first event that made a powerful impression on me was the assassination of John F Kennedy. It was so difficult to believe something like this could happen.

From that time onward, I became politically active and began to relate to a larger viewpoint of the world. Throughout the '60's, I placed a great deal of value on making a political commitment, joining a liberal Democratic organization because I felt they cared more for all people. With this new-found consciousness I worked in many election campaigns in an attempt to make a statement with my life.

At that time I was raising two teen-agers and helping to run a moderately successful business. My life was very comfortable; however, my new political views were not shared by my social circle and my family, and I began to feel a separation and a questioning of my values. There did not seem to be enough depth to my life.

I used to think, “If only I could know some ultimate truth”; but nothing I found provided a satisfactory answer. I used to question lots of people on their beliefs in God because I wanted to know if they truly believed. In all my attempts, I never met anyone who spoke from the heart. For many, God appeared to be a principle to accept unthinkingly, but not a motivating force in their lives; this was not enough for me.

When I was 41, I had to undergo surgery for a tumor which attending doctors thought might be malignant. Fortunately, there was no sign of cancer, but I had a slow recovery. In the early months of getting my strength back, I knew my life had to change. I knew if I were to live another twenty years, I had to have another kind of existence.

Nothing was clear to me – I was in a crisis. I considered divorce. It seemed as if my husband and I were going in different directions, and divorce offered a way for me to be alone and listen more closely to my own thoughts and feelings. But my children still had to complete their college years. No, I couldn't do it. Not yet.

It was at this time that I started studying astrology. I found I had an intuitive understanding of the principles of consciousness which the planets represented. Another interest was reawakened at this time. As a teenager, I had read many books about India, mostly the works of the Theosophists. Somehow, India always held a fascination for me; it seemed that the yogis knew a mystery, and I wanted to learn about that mystery.

I began to feel that I had found a key to understanding what was going on inside of me. As I worked with people's astrological charts, I became aware of mandalas or objects of meditation which expressed unity and a sense of harmony and wholeness which was new to me.

During those years of study I began to sense a larger dimension to people's lives. This proved to be a very healing force in my own life. For the very first time in my adult years, I began to think seriously about God, because I could now see that events were not random. There was order, and I could experience it. I had always believed in reincarnation; and now my studies in astrology appeared to confirm this belief.

When I was 44, with 25 years of marriage behind me, I realized my husband and I had given our best to try to work things out, but it was not successful. I sought a divorce. My life became more difficult. I returned to college, eventually bought the family business and somehow managed to keep things going while I was in the process of personal discovery.

At this time, something or someone called me to the Ramakrishna Vedanta Temple. I began to study Indian philosophy in earnest, and I experienced a spiritual awakening which gave rise to a sense of peace and a belief in God. My new-found belief was not Christian; it did not have a form ... yet. It was a faith that God and our world exist in a harmonious relationship. I began to feel more creative and expansive.

Little by little this miracle of my faith began to penetrate to a deeper place, forming an inner core that steadied me in times of crisis. I began to trust. It still had no name, no particular teacher-only an expanding sense of the unity of all creation.

After three years of study with Swami Chetanananda, I asked if I could come and talk with him. It was July, and this was the first time I had ever thought of discussing my doubts. I told him I did not feel Ramakrishna was the real guru for me, that after reading the Visions of Ramakrishna, 1 I seriously doubted the saint's sanity. Ramakrishna's deep mysticism, so touching to me now, was only disturbing to me then.

Swami Chetanananda was very reassuring; he told me not to worry: when the time was right, I would find my guru. A month later on my way to a weekend vacation, I stopped to buy a book to take with me. While looking over the titles, I saw The Holy Man and the Psychiatrist. My mind took this in and thought: “Hmmm, this might be interesting ... an American psychiatrist who went to India and became a holy man!” (Sathya Sai Baba did not look like an Indian to me – I thought he was an American.)

I purchased the book, packed it in my bag, left that night for a two day stay in Santa Barbara. Next morning at 8:00 A.M. I opened the book over breakfast, and at noon l was still reading. Oblivious to the passing hours, I had made a profound discovery - I knew in my heart that Sathya Sai Baba was God. Though my mind was still in the stage of inquiry, my heart had been convinced.

None of the various diversions I had planned for this vacation now held any interest; I packed and returned home. The first thing I did was to call my sister who had shared the spiritual quest with me.

“Patt,” I said. “I think I've found something really real.” I told her about the book and urged her to go get a copy. She did read it and had exactly the same reaction. Shortly after this, Patt went to a Sai Baba center and spoke with one of the members, Dick Bock. He invited us to come attend a bhajan singing group on a Friday night and to enjoy the satsang. We did; it felt so right to us that we began to attend regularly.

We also contacted Elsie Cowan after reading about her husband's resurrection. She invited us down to share her experiences of Baba with us. She also opened up the book center, which was next door to her at the time, and showed us many pictures. I bought a full-size picture of Sathya Sai Baba standing in front of some beautiful bushes in Prasanthi Nilayam. That picture seemed to be full of sunlight, just like my childhood image of Jesus. It is framed and hangs over my bed, still so full of the promise of beauty and love.

Patt and I, like all new devotees, could not read enough, learn enough, talk enough or speculate enough about Sathya Sai Baba. Nothing else mattered. I set up an altar in my apartment and spent most evenings there. I was happy; I really feltthat Sathya Sai Baba was the heart of my heart.

We did not go to India until 1979, but once we finally made the trip, we received a royal welcome: at darshan other devotees placed us in the very first row; Swami came right up to us and smiled and blessed us. We had brought him roses. He touched them and made us feel so warm and accepted. At that time we did not realize how much this meant; only later would we understand the depth of the blessing Baba had given us.

The following year we journeyed to India again to have his darshan. I felt loved as I had never been loved before. When I returned home, someone suggested that I might like to work with the Bal Vikas children at our center. I volunteered and quickly found that I loved the work.

There was one little boy, around 5, whom I became particularly fond of. He would often fall asleep, and he seemed to be more anxious than the rest of the children. My heart went straight out to this child, and each week I would prepare a lesson plan that in some way would reassure this sweet-faced boy that things were really okay.

From the beginning, I was happy as a Bal Vikas teacher, and I was eager to share with these children what I was learning about Sathya Sai Baba, Indian culture, and all the many treasures we were experiencing here and now in our awareness of the divine incarnation.

In the summer of '81 I was chosen to attend the first overseas conference for Bal Vlas teachers at Prasanthi Nilayam, I felt uncertain and unqualified because I was not an accredited teacher. I knew I had to go to represent our center since we had a very active Bal Vikas program. I was at the ashram for six or seven days attending classes every day; and Baba came and spoke with us, or just came to listen. This was an inspiring experience; everything we were learning and hearing from these educators confirmed my own views about education for children. To this day I still value a small notebook full of notes gathered at this conference.

When I returned from India in September, I picked up my life anew but somehow I was different. I had been very sick in India and had received injections for ten days in order to recover. The doctor who had treated me was a very learned scholar on Vedanta and he had spent hours talking to me about God. He later became a devotee of Sathya Sai Baba. I shall always feel Swami sent him to help me. During the illness I had a dream of Mother Kali in which she told me that she must purify me and this would hurt. At the time I was too ill to really care if I lived or died; but now, in looking back, I realize my dream of divine mother really did have great inner significance.

When I returned to teaching the children, the first time I heard the sloka, “Guru Brahma, Guru Vishnu,” I dissolved intears. I did not know what was wrong. Tears would come whenever I looked deeply at a picture of Swami, or whenever I tried to talk about him.

One day I was writing a story for the children about a squirrel who lived in my backyard. I named him Timmy, and I told how he lived from day to day thriving on food from all the trees in the yard. One day Timmy lay down and was very sick. For the first time Timmy began to see things differently. When he recovered, he had changed; he now had a deep reverence for all of life. The story ended with Timmy profoundly affected by his experience; he had become a peacemaker in the garden community, living a life of spiritual discipline, and knowing that when he left this life, he would merge again with a light and love now dimly remembered.

Writing this tale of Timmy's transformation struck a deep chord within me; for I realized it was my own story. I was different. Baba had somehow awakened me a little, and I was continuing to change inwardly. None of this was apparent at first but slowly, slowly, painfully, Baba had begun to work on me.

At this time I was asked to take over our Bal Vikas program, and again I felt I was inadequate to this task. I was still a worldly person. I only knew that I loved Sathya Sai Baba and believed sincerely that he was God incarnate. I also loved the children and was inspired by what Sai Baba says about teaching children; so I agreed to take over the program, and this began my real connection with Swami.

At Christmas time I was still uncertain about my capacity to serve as leader of our Bal Vikas program. While singing Christmas carols with the children, suddenly the words became living truths: “Joy to the world, the Lord has come. Let earth receive her king.” The tears came like a river; I felt these words in the very depths of my heart. I looked at the picture of Swami on the altar with his upraised hand, and it was glowing golden; and he clearly said, “Why are you worried? You have My blessings.” Then I could really not stop crying.

The whole day was an amazing day. Nothing was the same as it used to be. There was a quality of light to everything; it was not in the physical sense, but something else. I was feeling so much love, I could not stop crying or talk about what was happening to me. I just knew that I saw everything with different eyes, and all I could feel was how beautiful life was; there seemed to be unity at the heart of all; and we were all joined in love. This revelation lasted all day. I have never forgotten the events of that day; it was the first time that I had such an overwhelming, direct experience of Swami's loving grace.

All this happened back in 1981. Since then I have had so much inspiration for our Bal Vilas program; I know it is not me. I could never come up with so many ideas for lessons, or the experiences of joy and bliss that continually happen in the program. This is Swami's grace; and I know all the guidance we are receiving comes directly from him. There is an atmosphere of love and harmony which surrounds our Bal Vikas program, and we are all so grateful to Swami.

My life has only one real goal now, and that is to surrender to Swami so I can experience my own eternal connection with him. Whatever happens to me, I try to remember, is what God is doing with this body to bring me to a more perfected state.

Since my return from Sathya Sai Baba's 60th birthday celebration, I am aware that the avatar has allowed us all to incarnate with him. Before, I used to think, "Oh Swami, why did I have to wait so long to come to you again?" Now I realize he allowed me to be born only four years after his advent; and he alone knew when my heart would be softened enough to be able to hear his message of love.

I am so grateful I was called to him in this lifetime to experience the healing within my heart through his loving presence.

“Love, Love, Love! Become what you truly are the embodiments of Love. No matter how others treat you or what they think of you, do not worry. Follow Jesus Christ. Love for your own evolution and not for what others say. Donot imitate others. Cultivate your own life. You have your own heart, your own opinions, your own ideas, your own will. Why then imitate? Follow your chosen path. Let your own experience of God be your guide and master.”

–        Sathya Sai Baba